Meaning is not in things, but inbetween them

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-09-15T22:36:00

2008-09-23T17:36:07Z

Another lovely long time without updating!

I don't know if any of you UK peeps on my F-List have seen it, but the Guardian is running a series of little booklets called 'How to Write' and although the title sounds a wee bit patronising, the content is actually good and I've found them really helpful in overcoming my seemingly terminal writer's block. Anyway, because I know some of you guys are having the same trouble, I thought I'd recreate a couple of the best bits to see if it helps too.

I liked their definition of a dramatic story and found it really helpful for it to be put so basically:-

"What you are seeking is the germ of a dramatic story, a series of actions by, and between, characters that bring about changes in their circumstances, world, lives and possibly, their natures"

There was also a really useful bit that said a good series of prompts for a story are six basic questions:-

Where?, When?, Who?, What?, Why? and How?

Happy Writings! ^.^

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-08-20T16:19:00

2008-08-20T15:23:58Z

Before I get started I have one thing to say:- CLONE WARS IS THE AWESOMENESS!!! ^.^ if you haven't got the novel, get it now! it's got a lot more Anakin mini-angsts but sadly no Kenobi Tea Party. It's good though.

I've been slowly getting back into painting and have decided to take the plunge and try and sell my canvasses on eBay! I've decided to post a link to the page here just in case any of you guys want to have a peek or if you know anyone who would be interested. They're not great works of art, but just silly pictures of the SW characters in my cartoony style. Not sure if anyone remembers the Obi-Wan in the hot tub piece I put on ewan_hayden when I first arrived here. Anyhoo, here be-eth the link.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Star-Wars-Art-Cute_W0QQitemZ260277324797QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item260277324797&_trkparms=72%3A984%7C39%3A1%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C240%3A1318&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

If that doesn't work, try a member search on ani_loves_obi and it should be there!

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-08-11T22:46:00

2008-08-11T21:48:50Z

Still at home recovering from my hospital stay :( BUT!!!

I'VE BOOKED MY CINEMA TICKETS FOR THE CLONE WARS!!!!! 10.00am on the 15th! WOOP!

Also got the novel of the film today which makes me just want to see the film more. *counts down the days*

It's certainly making me feel better!

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-08-03T19:02:00

2008-08-03T18:06:13Z

OMG! CLONE WARS FIGURES HAVE LANDED!!!!

I'm the proud owner of new CW style Anakin and Obi-Wan! They're currently involved in a lovely slashy hug on top of our TV, much to the amusement of my b/f.

One thing I don't get though, why does Anakin come with some strange force gun? I really hope this doesn't make an appearence in the film *worries*

Bring on 15/08/08!!!!!!

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-07-30T15:47:00

2008-07-30T14:55:25Z

I've got the week off work *does a wee jiggity jig* and not before time!

Went to see The Dark Knight this morning......I don't actually have that much to say about it! It was the early showing and I wasn't entirely awake. All I could think of when I saw The Joker was 'wow...that's Heath Ledger and he's dead' which I know it TOTALLY inappropriate. Since I haven't seen that many Christian Bale films, all I can think when I see him is 'It's ARTHUR FROM THE 'ERALD!' so yeah...it was a great film and everything but I was thinking 'Clone Wars Clone Wars Clone Wars' the whole time. Call me obsessive if you must!

I haven't got any plans for this next week apart from trying rediscover my muse who seems to have gone on a permenant holiday with the other muses from the fandom. How rude of them.

Apart from going to the cinema this morning, I've done nothing but bake a bit of shortbread and SWEAT. Omg...I might be sounding incredibly British here but 25 DEGREES IS TOO HOT. Ani_harths_Obi NO LIKE!

So yeah, I'm having a lazy, sweaty day and I'm about to go and grapple with my muse. How hard is it to write a story where Anakin, Obi-Wan, Quinlan and Ferus are trapped in the quarters playing Monopoly!?!?

*sweats*

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-07-26T21:22:00

2008-07-26T20:29:08Z

OMG! dude.

The Obi-Wan costume we ordered off ebay has arrived! It wasn't too expensive either but it fucking rocks! Ended up having to go out and buy some dye though because the tunic and pants were Episode I colour but they're now sexy sexy Episode III colour! Sweeeeeet! ^.^

Speaking of dye, I've been dying my hair black recently but I really want to put another colour on it. Does anyone know how you do that without paying a shit load of money to get it done professional? Is it even safe to put dye on dye and would it even work cos it's black? I'm rubbish with hair! If anyone could help I would be muchly grateful!

Violet Prong...*sighs* what is the world coming to???

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-07-13T21:47:00

2008-07-13T21:02:00Z

Once again it seems that I've tripped up in my efforts to get better. It all has to do with alcohol. We had some friends over at the weekend and we had some drinks and my boyfriend, our friend and I got really drunk. My boyfriend eventually passed out on the bed which left me and our friend who'll we'll call L.

I said I wasn't feeling well so L offered to look after my bf while I went to bathroom. I'm really disappointed in myself but I proceeded to take ibuprofen, asprin and some paracetamol. In my drunkeness, I had no idea how many I'd taken but I don't actually think it was that much. I also slashed my face and my wrist deeper than I've ever done. Luckily, it was only those two cuts.

Since then, I've gone off my medication. I have no idea why but I'm just not interested in it anymore. What's the point? I thought that by now, two months down the line, my lows would be receding and I'd be feeling a lot better. I do most of the time but the lows, when they come, are really low. My bf knows and insists that I'll be back on the meds again tonight but I'm playing on the fact that he doesn't have a very good memory so will probably forget. I feel really bad about it but the meds are just hopeless. It seems all thats happened is that I suffered the shitty side effects and now nothing. My bf insists that I seem better and even the people I work with, who have no idea, have said I seem happier recently but to tell you the truth, I don't believe them. My bf just wants me on the medication and wants to poison me. I fucking hate those tablets. They're fucking useless poison and I won't be stupid enough to put them in my body any more.

My cuts are healing and there's no lasting damage from the tablets.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-07-04T22:10:00

2008-07-04T21:17:24Z

Disaster! My MP3 has died....poor Creative Zen! He's been with me for four years! and together we collected over 1,000 tracks.

Let's just say I feel like a murderer because I dropped him. I've dropped him loads of times before, when I've been drunk and when I've just been a general idiot and he's always survived but maybe the last time was one time too many!

*has a minute of silence for Poor Creative Zen*

I'm a murderer!!!

I went out an bought a second hand one at a local store and they stupidly forgot to include the installation disk so I have to pop down before work tomorrow and get it sorted out. Maybe this is Creative Zen's post-humous revenge.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-30T19:49:00

2008-06-30T18:59:14Z

I'm back again after another period of silence. I swear, SOMEONE must slap me so that I update this more!!! Please!

I've been in such a dark place recently, as people will know from my previous entries and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I've had a tiny bit of light appear at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. The feelings of total hopelessness and suicide seemed to have slipped away and been replaced with less intense feelings which I'm finding a hell of a lot easier to control. I'm trying to wake up every morning and tell myself that today I'm going to keep on living and I'm happy to say that it seems to be working. I'm not sure if this a delayed reaction to the medication. If so, it's been long enough coming!

I'm currently resisting the urge to bang my head against the desk because this story will NOT be written. I sit down to write it and I have all these good ideas but they don't seem to actually end up in my notebook or on the computer screen. I currently have twenty seven pages done but it's nowhere near finished and my muse and I seem to have fallen out.

A guy I work with rapped at me the other night. It was a scary experience. I don't like rap music anyway but it was pretty terrible and I found it very hard to keep a straight face when he started going on about wanting to ride a woman like a 'Biffa truck'. For my lovely friends who don't live in the UK, a Biffa truck is a rubbish/garbage truck. Why anyone would want to be ridden like a rubbish truck I don't know. They're slow and plodding and they smell really bad.

Anyone fancy it? : )

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-26T15:49:00

2008-06-26T14:49:01Z

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I brought people into this. I'm sorry I let everyone down. I'm sorry that I was not strong enough. I'm sorry that I'm weak. I'm sorry I can't fight anymore. I'm sorry I'm so tired. I'm sorry I can't stand the pain anymore. I'm sorry.

I love you all.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-25T14:24:00

2008-06-25T13:36:04Z

Pretty much just woken up after sleeping through half of my day off. The medication is giving me seriously fucked up dreams. That's about the only area that it seems to be working. It's shifted my insomnia and replaced it with a need to sleep all the ime. Anything is better than not sleeping though. One of our friends recently stayed the night and that night when I went to sleep I had a dream about having a threesome with him and my b/f. Needless to say I could hardly look at him in the morning! These tablets are fucked up.

Yesterday was a completely shit day. I was put under a load of pressure at work and when I came home I felt like my head was going to explode from the pressure. I haven't told anyone I work with the extent of what's going on because I think it's pretty pointless. As long as the store runs alright that's all the boss is bothered about. The good thing about it was that even though I really wanted to cut, I didn't. I'm feeling mildly proud of that. I still want to do it today and I'm trying to stave off the feeling by getting back to this epic that I've been trying to write for god knows how long. The last time I cut was at the weekend and I got kind of anxious because a couple of the cuts wouldn't stop bleeding for ages. I've also had a royal telling off from the b/f because I did it near the prominant veins on my wrist.

Anyway, back to the story.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-19T16:16:00

2008-06-19T15:31:44Z

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou.

I can't say thank you enough to Trish, TM, Snowtraveler and the anonymous person who commented on my last post. I wrote it when I was in one of my darkest moods for a long time and to see that you responded so quickly and so supportively means so much to me. I'm so sorry for worrying you and your ongoing support through all of this is so valuable. To just come on here and see that I'm cared about and loved by people is such a relief and even though I don't think I deserve it at all, I'm grateful for it all the same.

I haven't been back to the doctors yet. He's really nice and everything but it's getting up the courage to go. I know that I need to tell him EXACTLY how I'm feeling so that he can give me the best solution but I don't know if I can. When I first went to that appointment where he prescribed the Citalopram, he told me that I was severely depressed and he used this test, I'm not sure if its a worldwide medical test for depression, but he said quite strangely, he'd seen people who scored higher than me who weren't as depressed. I didn't really understand what this meant, surely the higher you score the worse the depression is? But anyway, after he'd done this test his exact words to me were 'I think we need to hand you over to the mental health services' and oh my god, did I crap myself! Luckily, he was just referring to a psychiatrist but I was so scared he was going to tell me that I needed to go into hospital. I don't know why I've got this terrible fear of being taken there. I think it's because I know that I'll be taken away from the support of my boyfriend, the support of everyone on here and the comfort of my own home. I swear, if I was taken away into hospital, I WOULD kill myself. I'd find a way, one way or another. I just know I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

That scared me so much. It's made me feel like I can't go back to see him. Since that last appointment, I've cut worse than I have before and I've tried to hang myself. If he thought I was messed up enough before, what would he do if I told him that? My boyfriend thinks I'm just over-reacting and that he would just up the medication or change it or just push the visits to the psychiatrist through quicker. But I was always under the impression that if you're a danger to yourself then they hospitalise you? surely I'm a danger to myself? I don't even know anymore.

What do you guys think? I'm so confused and scared by it all, I'm not sure if I'm even thinking straight anymore. I go to work and I laugh and make my colleagues laugh but it all feels sort of robotic, like it's me but I'm not really being the me I used to be...I don't know, maybe I'm not making sense right now. I think I'd rather feel too much than not feel at all.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-16T22:22:00

2008-06-16T21:30:42Z

I'm so sorry guys. I don't know why I've turned this journal into an outlet for what I'm going through at the moment. I know I need to talk to someone but I just don't know who. My boyfriend is understanding enough and he puts up with a lot but he's stressed because of work and I don't want to heap more on him. I haven't told any of my friends because I know from the way they are it's something they wouldn't understand. My doctor is ok I suppose but I'm worried that if I tell him the extent of the way I'm feeling he'll have me put into hospital. I'm so scared. I'm taking my medication but I don't feel it working. Everything just hurts right now. It feels like the pain I'm in is so unbearable the only way out is to just end it. I just want to curl up and cry for hours on end until I physically can't anymore. I've cut my wrist tonight, the worst I've ever done it and the temptation to just carry on and on was hard to resist. I chickened out though and stopped and I fainted but then I came round and it all crashed down on me and now I'm sitting here and it hurts.

I feel like I'm going crazy...it just hurts so much....please...I don't know what to do...I just want someone to stop it.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-13T20:37:00

2008-06-13T19:39:29Z

Last night I tried to kill myself again. I hung in the bathroom until I got scared and got myself free. That's my third failed attempt. So much for third time lucky.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-06-08T12:07:00

2008-06-08T11:32:20Z

Stolen from the lovely TM because I'm a naughty naughty Jedi : )

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Asleep in bed ^.^

2. Who are you in love with?
He knows. And not forgetting A/O!

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
I haven't actually, which is a bit strange because I was a weird kid!

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
No, there's a distinct lack of pinkness in the apartment.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
I haven't been to a shopping centre for ages because the one we have nearby is pretty crap.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
No, I never wear socks in the apartment, it just feels uncomfortable for some strange reason.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
I don't own a car but I really want one. Although I really should learn to drive first...

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
About a month ago, my friend had just got her new car so a couple of us went for a drive with her and we wanted to go to this late night shopping complex on the edge of town but I typed in the Sat Nav co-ordinates wrong and we ended up heading towards London. Oops!

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Nope. I'm saving up my movie love for August 15th!

10. Are you hot?
I'm a little bit warm but not terribly so. As for hotness, I would rate myself in the 'No way. Not at all. OMG NOOO!' category.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
A lovely cup of strong tea ^.^

12. What are you wearing right now?
My pieced together pyjamas which consist of light blue PJ bottoms with monkeys on and a large black SW special edition original trilogy t-shirt.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
If I had a car I would probably say I'd wash it but then just let months and months of dirt accumulate until it resembled something totally unlike its original colour.

14. Last food that you ate?
Some Cadbury's caramel chocolate. Yummeh!

15. Where were you last week at this time?
Hanging out in the apartment, enjoying my time off and doing nothing!

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
I bought a black skirt off ebay to customise.

17. When is the last time you ran?
Me? Run? No thanks!

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
I avoid televised sporting events on account of the fact that I find them incredibly boring.

19. What is your favorite animal?
A sheep. I think they're really cute!

20. Your dream vacation?
A road trip around the US.

21. Last person's house you were in?
My parents house last weekend.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
Probably the one when I was five when I tripped over this really small wall in the garden and cut my shin open. I've also caused a few nasty ones myself : (

23. Have you been in love?
I still am!

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
I'm always missing someone.

25. Last Play you saw?
I've never actually seen a play! I really want to though.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't think I have any. I think it would just a matter of luck as to why I'm with who I'm with now. That or the fact we were both drunk on the night we met!

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Unfortunately I'm doing the late shift at work : (

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
I don't like MySpace. Nothing personal, it's just not for me.

29. Next trip you are going to take?
We're going to try and get up to Scotland in September for a wee holiday : )

30. Ever go to camp?
No, we don't really have camps here. I've been camping and I really enjoyed it!

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
We don't have that either but even if with did it would have a to be a resounding no. I was a bit of a slacker towards the end of high school.

32. What do you want to know about the future?
I don't want to know anything. As long as the people I love will be happy and healthy, I'm happy enough just waiting to see what happens.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Not at the moment, I only rolled out of bed an hour or so ago.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Unfortunately yes. I'll try and get out of it though.

35. Where is your best friend?
I have no idea! Probably at home.

36. How is your best friend?
Happy I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

37. Do you have a tan?
Nope. I don't really like sitting out in the sun. I'm pale and I harth it!

38. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing, it's nice and quiet.

39. Do you collect anything?
I have quite a lot of SW stuff, so I suppose that counts?

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
I don't really know anyone who gossips.

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Never. I'm a good law abiding citizen. : )

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
I do most of the time. For some reason I just like it.

43. What does your last text message say?
From my b/f saying he doesn't know what he wants for dinner but quite fancies some samosa and dip.

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Yummeh in my tummeh.

45. Last time you took a shower?
About half an hour ago. Squeaky clean!

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Considering the basket has started to overflow, I probably should.

47. What is your heritage?
English with a wee bit of Polish from waaaaaaay back.

48. Are you someone's best friend?
I hope so!

49. Are you rich?
No, I get by, which is good enough for me.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
Reading fanfiction on the net.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-05-28T20:14:00

2008-05-28T19:37:20Z

It's been a while since I've posted on here again. At least, I think it has. I'm so slack with this LJ and I haven't been on ewan_hayden for ages so am probably missing tons of decent fics! I'll get my arse over there later.

The side effects are still going strong. Luckily, the insomnia seems to be going away and has been replaced with tiredness. I don't know if that's the medication or my body wanting the sleep I've been missing out on recently. I've been having to get up early for work but I've been going to bed early to balance it out. I'm still finding I need a nap in the afternoon to feel alive in the evening. That's something I haven't needed to do since I was about five years old!

I cut again last night. I haven't done it for a few days because strangely I haven't felt the need to. But last night it came back with avengence. I went into the bathroom and did my usual routine but found myself doing more cuts and criss-crossing across them which is something I'm trying not to do because it's just not very nice. I did a couple of little gouges which have come out pretty deep and I've noticed that the skin on my forearms is getting to the point where it starts to split when I cut. This happened on my thighs which is why I switched to my arms in the first place. It was getting to a point where I would do a cut with hardly any pressure and the wound would gape. There's a couple of cuts that were starting to do that last night. Instead of worrying about finding somewhere new to do it like I did with my thighs, I actually thought it was a pretty amazing sight, just how easily it was splitting. I like the fact that those cuts are now swollen and my arm stings when it comes into contact with the material of my clothes. I seem to be feeling the pain less when I'm actually doing it which is a sign I'm getting better at it. I have pale skin and I think the raw red colour of each line just screams how in control I am. Whatever feelings my brain seems to throw at me can be taken away by the simple movement of the blade across my skin. I don't think I've ever been truly honest as to what it means to me. When the stinging starts, I can focus on that and not remember whatever horrible feeling I was feeling before I cut. The thought that someone could take away the blade scares me. The fact that every time I shut myself in the bathroom might be the time I get the courage to go for the ones that will kill me makes me feel comforted. Sometimes I think I won't ever have the courage to do that. Sometimes I'm glad, sometimes I can't believe my own weakness. I mean, come on, it's pathetic, it's only a few cuts to end it all so why don't I just fucking do it??? Then I think that I'm being so stupid, of course I don't want to die. I want to stop cutting myself and at the same time I wish I never will.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-05-19T20:39:00

2008-05-19T19:39:03Z

Cheese.

Why cheese? it's because I never know how to start an entry when I'm writing on LJ.

I've been on medication a week now and although the antidepressant side of it hasn't kicked in, the side effects have, with avengence. I took Prozac a while ago and didn't really have any side effects so for some dumb reason I wasn't expecting any this time. At the moment the really annoying one is insomnia. I've had headaches and nausea and the reduced appetite (which is actually something I'm thankful for at the moment!). The insomnia is the killer though. My sleeping pattern wasn't fantastic before but since taking the medication I've had to fall back on sleeping tablets which is something I don't really like relying on. Oh well, onwards and upwards as they say.

The good news is that I've booked the 15th of August off work ^.^

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-05-12T21:35:00

2008-05-12T20:35:37Z

I survived the doctor's appointment! I'm now officially the owner of a lovely box of Citalopram. I've never been on it before so hopefully it'll work. The doctor was actually really good and wants to see me again in a week.

Many many many thanks once again to the lovely Trish and TM! your support means so much to me. I harth you both xxxx

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-05-09T23:28:00

2008-05-09T22:41:56Z

I'm back.

I always seem to start these entries apologetically and this one should be no different. Perhaps I should stop doing selfish things and then maybe, just maybe, these entries would start like this. But, being the freak that I am, here it is. I am really really sorry to Trish who I know I've worried. I'm sorry I didn't turn up sooner and let you know that I was alright. I've been in a cycle of work/sleep since the OD and it's just about my limit.

I feel so stupid about it all. I'm such a fucking liar. I told my boyfriend that I'd accidently forgotten how many doses of Ibuprofen I'd taken and had accidently taken more than I should. I then went and fucking necked more tablets in the bathroom. Why am I such a horrible person? I laid in my bed that night and with every stomach cramp and with every sweet second of nausea, half of me wished I'd never fucking taken them and the other half of me was disappointed that I wasn't already out of it. It was a horrible cycle of being caught between wanting to die and being scared to die and eventually at some point during the night I fell asleep. Needless to say I woke up the next morning. It was then that some form of clarity dawned on me. Like the idiot I was, I went straight to my shift at the store and didn't breathe a word of the previous night's antics to anyone. Some time during the never ending shift I decided to take control of the monster and I picked up the phone. I made a doctor's appointment for this Monday coming. I've told my boyfriend and even though I've since tried to cancel the appointment, he's told me that I have no choice in the matter and that I'm going. I'm scared and I'm worried and I know deep down I'm doing the right thing but the fucking monster just tells me that it's alright, I'm fine the way I am and that I don't need to see anyone.

I've just finished another shift at the store and he's asleep in bed. I wish I could be there with him but my mind just won't shut up. It's come to this, I realise one simple thing. If I don't get help in some form I will die by my own hand. He's making me go see this doctor and I know that even though the monster hates him for it, the part of me that's still there will thank him.

I'm sorry for droning on like this. If my comments have offended or upset anyone on my flist, please, feel free to tell me and further posts related to these matters will be placed under a cut.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-05-05T18:52:00

2008-05-05T17:59:54Z

I'm really really sorry to whoever reads this.

I've done something stupid. I've taken an overdose. It's not a massive one......I'm alright though. I've been feeling sick and I've got a bit of pain but apart from that I don't feel bad. It's ibuprofen which I know isn't particularly serious compared to paracetamol or asprin. I've got someone with me and if I start to feel worse I'll make sure they can get me somewhere for some help. I'm so sorry for just dumping this on here but maybe if I read it, I'll look back and think how stupid I've been. I've been so ridiculously stupid. I've been at work for the past few days and I haven't been sleeping well but I know that's not a justification for what I've done. I won't take anymore pills.

I'm going to go and get some help. I'm sorry.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-04-30T10:49:00

2008-04-30T09:58:19Z

Ugh. It's nearly 11am and I've been up since six, the only reason being that I woke up when my boyfriend went to work and haven't been able to get back to sleep. In order to stave off the boredom until I go in for my lovely late shift, I've decided to once again work on my epic. I'm writing an epix btw...I may have mentioned it before! : )

Does anyone out there on my lovely flist have any kind of experience with writing personal experiences into thier fanfiction? The reason I'm asking this is because after some discussion and some soul searching, I'm wondering if the best way to cope with self-harm is to maybe write about it so I've timidly introduced it as a minor theme in the aforementioned epic. The problem I'm facing now, is whether it's going to end up as a form of therapy or a trigger. So basically, I was wondering if anyone has done something similar and whether it was a negative or positive experience. Or maybe if you haven't had any experience, maybe you have a view on whether it's a good idea or not? I'm not sure I'm making sense here! I've tried some research on ff.net and found that it's a topic that's not really covered. So maybe SH doesn't have a place in SW fandom!? Any ideas!?

Sorry for the mad rantings people! xxxx

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-04-24T19:25:00

2008-04-24T18:49:00Z

Major apologies for my previous post. I was feeling a bit crap about the whole situation. I've been encouraged to write my way through this and I think that's good advice. I've been working on the epic fanfic I'm trying to write, hopefully when its finished it can go up as a multi-chapter behemoth over on ewan_hayden.

I'm in the process of reading your story Trish and will be giving feedback and suggestions when I e-mail you my address! : )

I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn to the dark side again and write about this. I've been in the flat on my own all day because I have to day off work. I decided to work on the story and for a while was really grateful that it took my mind of it all. I've been having a lot of scary dark thoughts recently that I haven't opened up to anyone about. I'm rubbish at face to face stuff, I always clam up and never know what to say. I don't really know how to say this, even in type so it's best I just type it at its most basic.

I've been looking into how to tie the hangman's knot. I know...it's crazy...I should be ashamed of myself for even considering it and now I'm even more ashamed that I know how to tie it. So now I have to tell myself not to use it. I keep planning what I'd do, how I'd do it so I wouldn't fail.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-04-20T12:12:00

2008-04-20T11:14:56Z

All I have to say is that I've failed. I tried to go a week and I failed. There's just no point fighting anymore. I'm done.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-04-17T18:15:00

2008-04-17T17:25:16Z

This is going to sound like a pretty random question but does anyone know any Star Wars swears?? I'm not necessary looking for anything official or canon, I'd appreciate anything! I'm trying to write my first epic and there's going to be some naughty language. Can anyone help me out for some eternal thanks and maybe a cookie?!

I want to say a big squishy thank-you to Trish and TM, both of you were there when I was in a dark place the other day and I really appreciate it. You both took the time to reach out despite your own demons and I can't say thanks enough! I'm feeling a bit better now although the need to cut myself every day is still there. I've resisted so far and I'm on my third day without doing anything. I keep looking at the ones that are healing on my wrist and keep thinking just how relieving it would be to open them up again, or do new ones on top. I'm trying my best though.

ani_harths_obi @ 2008-04-13T18:41:00

2008-04-13T18:19:21Z

*kicks dial-up*

Imagine my excitement when I come on to LJ and Lo! more Clone Wars footage as discovered by TM! I went on the proffered webpage but my stupid dial-up decided 'you know what? I don't want to load this'...so now I'm stuck without new CW footage! *is sad*

I haven't mentioned this on here for a while, probably because I feel a need to shield my own stupidity. That said, putting it under a cut means I'm not forcing anyone to read it. For all I know, I'm typing this to myself...perhaps I'm sounding crazy now...

It's getting worse, for a while it felt as though I was winning against it, ignoring it and getting over it, moving on and learning to cope in other ways. Then, pretty much overnight, it comes back and now I'm here, wanting to do it every-single-fucking-day. And I sort of have been. Giving in to it. The last time I did it, I did way more cuts than usual with a fresh blade, something I should never do because it's so sharp. I don't know why I feel the need to mention this but I use those double edged razor blades. I did about eighteen or so along the right wrist and then just kind of stared. The whole point of me even typing this is because I scared myself. I watched the blood for a bit and then I put the blade to the main vein and I so nearly pressed down. I'm thinking maybe next time I just should fucking do it.